Still here

Hey there! I guess this blog really is growing with me huh?

I was thinking, I'm not going to go deleting this place because it holds history. But I don't know how comfotable I am with writing here anymore, knowing that I have family members here. (Hiya) But regardless hello void, have you been well?

Stuffs going down in my life now, good stuff. Bad stuff. Mostly good.
So I left that really awesome school, finished education there. I got an A in my A-Level Art, which was awesome! Really miss the school though, my room, my friends, the staff memebers. I moaned about it and even then I was self-aware I'd miss it. But I do. Everyone was awesome, and sometimes I just miss being able to walk to the staff room and sit about with them for a couple of minutes whilst they work or something. They'd just let me hang around, it was a really good feeling.
I started a two year game art course. Got a D* D* on the first year, that was pretty awesome. But now I have pressure to do just as well on this year.
 Speaking of, I got an offer for University literally yesterday. I haven't told anyone but my mother and step-dad because they were in the room. I haven't really expressed how I feel properly out-loud. I could tell because mum seemed frustrated by my lack of emotion. It's not that im not excited, believe me, this is really awesome. I just.. I don't want to seem arrogant or proud, and if I went around going 'ooo I got an offer for University' then I feel like that's what I'd look like. (I haven't really processed what it means yet either) I also don't want my brother to feel like he has to go there to beat me or something. But it seems like he wants to do an apprenticeship. Which I personally believe would work better for him and he'd enjoy more. He's not much of a sit still academic type.
 Im concerned that my art still isn't good enough for University or the real-world jobs I'd like to hold. I get that college and university is where you learn more and improve, but I've seen the work people above me put out and.. not to be arrogant. But some of it really isn't great. That being said, designing characters and creatures doesn't require phenominal work, just good conveyance of feelings, aethetics and all that jazz. So I'm going to keep working as hard as I possibly can. I really love succeeding, I know that this will be my downfall. But I like doing well, so I want to keep doing well.

I've got a bunch of awesome friends. They're all artsy and really nice people, in fact. The classroom seems to have become just a big group of friends on this second year. It's a really nice feeling. It's better than what I had at my boarding school, and its SO much better than the other schools I went to before. You saw how those were. I told you. Mum always said that it'd get better when i went to college. Once again, she was right. I love all my friends so goshdarn much. I get worried sometimes that I stick out or they're just pretending. But then out of the blue they say things like 'you're awesome, I really like hanging around you' and it's just like.. woah. The teachers even tease and mess around with us a bit. I don't think i've been happier in an academic and social environment before. The boarding school was great, but the classroom wasn't friends like it is here. And so many people had really bad problems that you never really relaxed fully.

I miss my art teacher and therapists and a few select TA's from that school the most.

Pirate, the hamster died a few months after I got her. I don't know why. It broke my goshdarn heart. I screamed, so loudly. I couldn't accept it. I don't know why she died and I didn't even know it was going to happen. But she did. She was infinintley cute and soft even in death. It simply wasn't fair.
  We adpoted a German Shepherd from a friend who needed him taking care of. He's awesome, a cute boy who appears spooky but is infact as soft as mud. Toby seems to have become a favourite hugging dog of mine. He's a grumpy old fart but he's also as soft as mud and seems to literally melt off the sofa. He's endeering. Scooters noticably older. Which saddens me. Smudge, is still alive! I feel bad for her and like visiting. But she still attacks me when I pet her, so she's not really that much different.

I moved bedroom, and my parents gave me another room in the house to fill my junk with. Which is awesome and I hope they know how greatful I am. I really like being in these rooms, it feels really nice. I have to shut the door to the living room a lot though so I don't annoy/distract anyone and the Tv doesn't distract me. It's shut right now.
 Speaking of rooms. Said awesome college friends would like/be open to sharing an apartment or house with me for University. Which.. is something I never thought would happen. Then I can get a menial job and earn money. Perhaps I can even pay back my parents in some meaningful way for everything they've done. I've had stuff planned in my head for years. Naturally I can't discuss it here but it is there. Trust me.

My life is really picking up now, the bad days are getting less frequent though they're still there. Most of my days are just so busy and filled with entertainment and fun that they outweigh the bad. Had some bad days recently actually. Im going to have to make a hard decision soon that I know is going to carve into my emotions and mental state for a good long while. I don't know how I'm going to do it and I don't even know if Im going to have the strength. But I've got to try. It's not fair to lie to people. I have my college friends now. Who even if I can't talk about it too, will be there for me. I'm actually really scared though. So wish me luck :).
 Im so busy with college and travel and learning to drive. Im really slow at the learning and I know it's costing so much money, but I am trying my hardest to learn to drive too. I just.. keep making really simple mistakes. It's infuriating and I can taste the frustration with my family too even if they don't speak it. I can't even offer to pay for the lessons because I don't have a job. I've been looking, but I mostly need to drive to get one. I'm also panicking that I won't have time to do well enough with college work if I get one.

Long gone are the days of the small, distressed and bullied child. She'll never completley go. But it's been so long now and this blog is really the only concrete recording I have of my feelings during this time. Wild am I right?

So that's what's going on in my life. I feel I owe this blog that much. It's helped me through and I really am still growing with dragons.

This is a study I did last night that I painted for an hour. I intend on doing more tonight.

Goodbye my friends, I shall see you in two years! (Or whenever I decide to write)

''Sensible title?" What's that?

This blog is incredibly neglected, but I am ever so thankful for it's existence.
 Without somewhere to vent I would never have gotten through a large part of my childhood. I wouldn't have felt as hopeful for my future as I do now.

So Yes. I know I've been neglecting this blog. But I only ever used it to rant and try to convey some sort of emotion to people. And then it became popular-ish. And I became scared of writing here. My invisible rant to the world became a little more visible. And suddenly everyone was reading how I felt. So that. Is why I stopped in the first place. I didn't like my feelings being read so much. And I was busy again with school eventually.

I'm nineteen now. But it's not as if that's made me any different. I'm still immature, still childish and petty. I suppose all growing up lets you do is pretend to be grown up, and sometimes people actively believe you. At some point this year I got slapped in the face by motivation though. I worked harder for my art grade than I ever really have before. Actively going out of my way to work for it. I'm worried if I don't get a grade I'm happy with, it will all crumble. I don't want to loose what little motivation I've been blessed with. I want to be happy, and if that means trying to work really hard now. Then I'm gonna. I wish some of my friends would.
 Hopefully I'm going to college next year, to do game art or something. Wouldn't it be awesome if my art could contribute to a part of my life that was such and still is a safe haven from everything else around me? It would be so fantastic if I could contribute to the world I hid in when I was really hurt, so that others could use my world to hide in too.
 I hope my arts good enough for it though. I'm going to have to work really hard to get there. But I know that, I just hope I can keep the motivation up. Whenever I tell people I'm not good at art. Their immediate response is ''Yes you are, you're amazing''. Don't get me wrong. I do like the praise even though I cannot actively accept it. But It's not always what I mean. My art might be alright now. But it's no-where near good enough for a professional job.

Recently I've just started daydreaming about having more pets. I have a hamster. And I get to see smudge occasionally, and Scooter and now I guess we have Toby too. But. I really can't overstate how much I want a dog or some other animal to hug that's all mine. I adore Pirate (the hamster) absolutely. But you can't hug her unless she wakes up and wants to play with me. She can't follow me around throughout the day. She doesn't do human emotions. So I suppose to some extent I'm trying to give the care of my own emotions over to an animal rather than a human being.  I tell people this. Or I try. And I don't think they really hear me. I accept I'm not allowed a dog. But I don't know why I'm so needy in the first place. I think I just miss hugs. I want something living to be with me constantly I suppose. And humans aren't good enough.

Aspergers isn't really that bad a label, and I think the world needs to stop tip-toeing around words like 'autism' as if they carry some sort of plague. Yes. People on the internet use it to be derogatory. But so what? It's just a word. Like.. I don't know. Cats.

But yea. I only came here to say Hi really. And stuff. I felt like it? I guess. I'm not dead. For those that didn't know. I'm just hiding, and busy. And watching a constant stream of dog videos.


-older than before
-ME

Ohi.

This isn't really a post, but anyway. I made an offshoot blog. (it's just art, no obligation to go there.) Just thought I'd say. Incase you actually wanted to see my art. (why?)
http://growingwithdragonsart.blogspot.co.uk/

Nothing better to do so...

Hey.
 I have absolutely nothing better to do right now, so I thought I'd write this, as I've been neglecting it this past week.
 First thing's first, this will undoubtedly be my only post this holiday, as the only reason I'm currently not at school is the fact we're awaiting our half-brothers imminent birth. He's taking after us already, he's stubborn.
 There is now internet at my school, however the last I heard it didn't work, and doesn't reach down into my room anyway, so that doesn't really effect anything on my front.

 My cousin and I volunteered at a Raptor Center, so that's going to be fun, gutting chicks, yay! (I say this with the upmost sarcasm, but hey, once we've done that enough, we get to do the shows, flying the birds and so on.
 I have a large bruise on my leg, it makes my ankle look twisted and odd, and I can't feel anything if I poke it, unless I poke the skin around it, so that's quite cool. Well, maybe cool's the wrong word to use, but yeah.. Words.
 This is about it. I've kind of run out of words, and/or things to say. So.. I will maybe..maybe talk again, but hopefully I'll be back at school tomorrow. All being well.

So...yeah.
 -Me

Fingers of Fury!

Hey there!
 Okay, so maybe my last post was a little.. embarrassing. But I swear to the lord, if you dare to keep reminding me of it, I'll hate you. Or something.
 I came back from school for the weekend, kinda obvious I guess as I'm actually writing this, but hey, don't shoot the messenger!
 School's still great, though I'm really fed up of GCSE's, given that they're all around the same time.
My mother seems to be shocked about the speed of my typing, it's really nothing special. People at school have the same reaction too, come to think of it. Guess I'm just good with my hands, and moving them quickly (though not catching, damn you bouncy balls! Why must you always escape me?!)
Apparently I'm a visual learner, to be honest, we kinda knew that anyways, but at least someone's said something now. My laptops infected, probably, but I'll sort that out.
 I'm being pushed to do my Art GCSE a year early, which is great, I think. Just irritating, I have to take so many pictures of cats, and draw cats, I better be able to draw a cat with my eyes closed by the time Im done with this, come to think of it, I've never actually tried to do that with drawing dragons, bet I could do it though.
 I'm moving room at my Step-mothers and Fathers, I've found the colour I like, and actually have a pretty neat (and easy design) in my head, just haven't told my step-mother yet. If it's not allowed, Im going to be upset. :(
 Im being held down and tickled after school now, only by my friends, and only in a friendly manner, I'm allowed to tickle them back.
 I've become a bit of an activity nut, I've started doing as much swimming as possible, and Joined canoeing on Tuesday evenings, (it's invitation only :D ).
 We have to go out any buy shoes, because I want some that havent got holes in.

 But anyways, I'll go now. :) Bye
 -Moi

Vague..ness

Going back to school tomorrow.
 Im looking forward to it.
I think.
Well, I know I am.
 Just.. weird, you know? Spending christmas with your family, only to go back to school and pretend nothing ever happened. Well, I know it did happen, but that doesn't stop it feeling like it didn't. There's loads of stuff, I want to do, but I never get time, or people aren't in the right moods.
 But, im not all depressed about it, just because its my first christmas like this, thats all.
It'll change, im sure of it. After all, i've been through worse.
 And you've been there, havent you? Well, most of you. I think almost all of you really, even if you haven't been reading this.
 Heck, I don't even read this.
 Just let it flow.
Feel like a fool when I re-read it.

Not gonna lie though, I've missed my friends, all of them, a hell of a lot, excuse my language.
 So much, im not sure a single waking moment has gone by when I haven't been thinking about one of them, or their reactions to things. I think I finally have decent friends, that will stick by me.
Which is nice.
 Still can't spell properly. But.. eh.

Still doesn't get over the fact that tomorrow's going to be hard. Very hard.
 But I have a new task, this blog needs a new header, the old one is.. well.. old.
So I'll have to do something about that, or at least try. Maybe use one of my many dragons. Or multiple ones.
No promises.

I'll get over it. Because I do.
 Don't you worry.
Not that I thought you were gonna.
 Typical though, isnt it?
I start back on my blog a few days before leaving again.
 Guess thats when I need to start writing down feelings. Why do they get in the way? Feelings. I can see why the Cybermen got rid of them, they get in the way. But then, I guess we wouldn't have imagination without them.
Not my important feelings though, no-one needs to hear those. They're just for me..my innermost thoughts.. about things..

The winds really blustery. I kinda like that. Helps me think.. to concentrate, I don't really know why.. it's just sort of.. comforting. You'know? Well, I suppose you probably don't.
Anyway. Incase I don't write tomorrow. Have a nice.. however long it is till I next write. :)

 -Moi

First post of 2014!

Hey guys/gals!
 Yeah, I'm still alive. :)
Happy new year!
Merry Christmas!
Or you know, whatever it is now. I kinda loose track of time.
I did actually write whilst I was at school, I'll post that in just a second, just have to say, I meant it at the time, I still kinda do, but the next day I found something out that changed my disposition slightly. :)
So, without further ado, here's a rant!;

It’s not a disorder you know. Autism. I don’t care what people say, Autism is not, and never shall be, a disorder. How can it be? We’re gifted.
 We may be disadvantaged in so many different ways, and not fit properly into society, but by the gods, are we not human?
 People don’t call those in wheelchairs a wheelchair disorder or something do they? So how is it that this is one? We’re not that different, we just need help. Like people in wheelchairs need help, or the elderly, just some guidance. That’s all. Disorder. A disruption of order. Order? What part of any human’s life is ordered? We don’t go around with massive check lists and follow routines to the letter. Sure, we may have them, but I don’t think there is a single person out there who’s never been late, early, or forgotten something, it’s in our nature.  I might hate every minute of being ‘different’ but what I hate more than that, is being referenced to as if I’m some page in a book of problems, fed up of reading next to my name ‘Suffers from Asperger’s.’ Suffers from? I’m not suffering. Yes. I get angry, yes, I cannot control my emotions properly and have trouble expressing myself and say the wrong things a lot. Yes, I don’t really understand much of social life, but I think I understand more things better than ‘normal’ people. I understand that life is not forever, and that what I do right now, affects the rest of my life. I know that I have difficulties with some things, but I’m okay at others. I might never grow up to be an artist, or a writer, or anything I want to do. But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to try. Because if you only get one life, why would I want to spend it wasting my time not achieving my goals? I’m at a special school now, to help me with my problems, and encourage me at other things. We’re working on my confidence, little by little, I’m learning about what I need to say to be ‘normal’ I’m learning the mould I need to fit in for the rest of my life, or at least most of it. But I’m happier than I have been in a long time. Surrounded by people like me, some of them need more help than others, but we all kind of help each other. Every minute of every day, just by being around, showing that there are other kids like us. That you’re not alone in what would appear to be a vicious world. That someone does actually care, who is not in your family.
How am I to explain to a world so firmly set in its ways that we’re like them? We’re no different, we just need a little more care and help than most. Because like those in wheelchairs, we have issues we need help getting over. But because our ‘disorder’ is not physical, you cannot see it. People overlook us, shove us away, and bully us. Do we deserve to be bullied? Is it our fault we were born like this? I don’t think so.So if you only learn one thing from this. Learn that just because a child is having a ‘breakdown’ doesn’t mean it’s bad parenting, maybe that child has some problems, maybe the parent is trying their very hardest, but just can’t calm them down. Maybe you should ask, and not just judge based on first impressions. Because if anything hurts us, it’s the looks people give you when you have problems that aren’t your fault that hurt the most.And I’m tired of being labelled as different or wrong, no-matter how gently people put it

Quite a rant, amiright?
But.. anyway.
My imagination's come back :D
I have a new story rolling through my head, this doesn't mean my old one is dead, I still write bits in my GCSE work. It's just sleeping, untill I've sorted things out, and gathered more information.
I have more stuff! Arty stuff :D
And I taught myself basic choice script programming. :D
I really hope your life is going good, if not... well. I want to fix it. But.. if I can't, I'm sorry.

-Me

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