This blog is incredibly neglected, but I am ever so thankful for it's existence.
Without somewhere to vent I would never have gotten through a large part of my childhood. I wouldn't have felt as hopeful for my future as I do now.
So Yes. I know I've been neglecting this blog. But I only ever used it to rant and try to convey some sort of emotion to people. And then it became popular-ish. And I became scared of writing here. My invisible rant to the world became a little more visible. And suddenly everyone was reading how I felt. So that. Is why I stopped in the first place. I didn't like my feelings being read so much. And I was busy again with school eventually.
I'm nineteen now. But it's not as if that's made me any different. I'm still immature, still childish and petty. I suppose all growing up lets you do is pretend to be grown up, and sometimes people actively believe you. At some point this year I got slapped in the face by motivation though. I worked harder for my art grade than I ever really have before. Actively going out of my way to work for it. I'm worried if I don't get a grade I'm happy with, it will all crumble. I don't want to loose what little motivation I've been blessed with. I want to be happy, and if that means trying to work really hard now. Then I'm gonna. I wish some of my friends would.
Hopefully I'm going to college next year, to do game art or something. Wouldn't it be awesome if my art could contribute to a part of my life that was such and still is a safe haven from everything else around me? It would be so fantastic if I could contribute to the world I hid in when I was really hurt, so that others could use my world to hide in too.
I hope my arts good enough for it though. I'm going to have to work really hard to get there. But I know that, I just hope I can keep the motivation up. Whenever I tell people I'm not good at art. Their immediate response is ''Yes you are, you're amazing''. Don't get me wrong. I do like the praise even though I cannot actively accept it. But It's not always what I mean. My art might be alright now. But it's no-where near good enough for a professional job.
Recently I've just started daydreaming about having more pets. I have a hamster. And I get to see smudge occasionally, and Scooter and now I guess we have Toby too. But. I really can't overstate how much I want a dog or some other animal to hug that's all mine. I adore Pirate (the hamster) absolutely. But you can't hug her unless she wakes up and wants to play with me. She can't follow me around throughout the day. She doesn't do human emotions. So I suppose to some extent I'm trying to give the care of my own emotions over to an animal rather than a human being. I tell people this. Or I try. And I don't think they really hear me. I accept I'm not allowed a dog. But I don't know why I'm so needy in the first place. I think I just miss hugs. I want something living to be with me constantly I suppose. And humans aren't good enough.
Aspergers isn't really that bad a label, and I think the world needs to stop tip-toeing around words like 'autism' as if they carry some sort of plague. Yes. People on the internet use it to be derogatory. But so what? It's just a word. Like.. I don't know. Cats.
But yea. I only came here to say Hi really. And stuff. I felt like it? I guess. I'm not dead. For those that didn't know. I'm just hiding, and busy. And watching a constant stream of dog videos.
-older than before
-ME
