Before I go to bed. I wanted to write this. Its.. it's sort of, an apology, and a declaration at the same time.
I hate how much time I've been spending in my room, I really do. I don't know wether to come or go, where to be, what to do. So I've been sticking with what feel's right, especially as I dont know how to act eaither, it's safer if im alone, people don't read my body expressions. But, I want to be with you my family, and I really hate this, I sound so pathetic, and i'm not.
Maybe I am, I don't know. I don't know alot anymore, and Im tired of this, Im tired of sounding like a fool, and a pathetic little girl who whines all the time, because that's all I really am, if you get down to it. That's what i see anyhow.
But I also like spending time alone, because, well, its comfortable. But I get so very lonely, and I hate it. I dont. I dont. Urhg.
I dont even do much anymore in my room, games are becoming boring, I just sit there! Im a lazy ass, who cant decide between solitude or family.
I dont blame you if you are fed up with me.
Wednesday 27 March 2013
Saturday 16 March 2013
Avoiding
Apparently Loneliness is something people can avoid. And I agree, we can go into another room full of people. But that does not stop the loneliness, especially if its actually withing yourself that you feel lonely and not because you spend too much time alone in a room.
And I don't know, maybe it can be avoided, maybe people can find a way past the barriers and the blockades, but Im not sure if anyone can find a way past mine. I've had so much time to build them up, It takes so long to knock them down. But words still hurt.
Every word manages to get past the barrier, whole people do not, but every mean comment, nasty remark makes its way round, and like a parasite, sucks the life force out of me.
But whatever I guess, people don't really care much about that. Ah what do I know?
Biscuits.
And I don't know, maybe it can be avoided, maybe people can find a way past the barriers and the blockades, but Im not sure if anyone can find a way past mine. I've had so much time to build them up, It takes so long to knock them down. But words still hurt.
Every word manages to get past the barrier, whole people do not, but every mean comment, nasty remark makes its way round, and like a parasite, sucks the life force out of me.
But whatever I guess, people don't really care much about that. Ah what do I know?
Biscuits.
Friday 15 March 2013
The Pit
Its been a while.. But I really saw no point in posting.
Not, because of the readers, just because.. well, I dont see the point in alot of things anymore.
I think I've found my favourite poem..which is really a shame, because apparently It makes my friend that showed it to me sad and cry. So I sit there and listen to it, and wonder why im smiling like a freak. But hey, I never was/am very good at showing emotion. The poems about bullying. And I think my favourite bit is in the middle. I guess I'll send you the link to the youtube video of it. Just.. yeah whatever. I don't know how old this poem is, or anything really about it, I guess its sorta new.. but whatever.
You know, there's a pit in the bottom of my mind, with the jaws of a monster, like when you're little and you see those images of giant worm like creatures with terrifying mouths. The Pit has a mouth like that, the walls down to it are sloped in a funnel, and for most people, I guess you have wings, you can sit and the rim and look upwards. But, it's like im constantly in the funnel, attempting to climb, but always slipping a little bit further down.
And I can thank the goverment, they're promising and promising to help all school kids, and yet they postponed the tribunal that would help me. So the pit gets closer, and I slip. Im not in it's jaws yet, but there's a small part of me that is scared, of what I might become if I fall, and I don't want to fall. I can't watch the news anymore really because it always seem's to be about schools, or how people are being saved somewhere in the world, and they're getting a great education. Mp's saying things like 'Children are our future, and we need to help them' or some shizz. So why are they not helping me?
My family has to suffer with a annoying, depressed child that says sorry too much because the goverment keeps ignoring us, or shoving us further down the funnel. It's like those stories you get of kid's flushing other children's heads down the toilet. Only, the goverment is the one shoving our head into the toilet.
And I don't understand, why are they not helping? Why do they keep coming up with lies, and forcing us to be hurt just that little bit more? The really nasty thing is, I only really got shunted out of school because I told on my friend's so they could have some help, and then my friends go and flipping lie. HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GET HELP?!
And I know, I know they're not my friends anymore, but It makes me cry looking back, because I talked to the police to get them help, not because I wanted to hurt them or something. I don't understand why they did this, I thought we where friends. We were friends.
I don't know who to talk to anymore. I keep asking 'Im fine' when asked, but I dont want to be questioned into telling people what's wrong. I want to be left alone. But I don't want to be left alone.
But the thing is, Im not the only one. I've met countless people over the internet that feel the same, three of those at least live in England, and one's not told anyone save their friends. I don't know what to do anymore, because this cant be simply down to the Aspergus.
But then. I am a freak, because I laugh at sadness, I spurt out stupid thing and people give me such looks. My face is only really good for smiling, but I don't want to do alot of that.
There's a picture in my room of my step-sister and me as really little children, I dunno, 8-12 I guess. It makes me so sad. Because we're both smiling so happily, and I can't see an ounce of sadness in either of our faces.
People ask me why I prefer the floor to a bed or a seat. I'll tell you why, part of the real reason. Because It's more comfortable to me, when I was little I had problems with my bowels, I needed the look without proir warning all of a sudden. It was eaiser to hold It in if it crept up to me when I was on a hard surface, I dont know why. The floor is more comfortable. It's hard, bed's are supposed to be soft. It's alot easier to simply say 'Because It's more comfortable though' and this is true. But I dont know.
There is an event ingrained in my mind where i wet myself at school on one of the chairs, I was in year two. And all the kids laughed at me, and for the rest of the year, that was the only chair I was allowed to sit on. Everyone else refused. And I know thats a silly thing to have stuck in your mind. But its like when people laugh at me for burping or farting and they dont understand. Or look at me with such disgust in their voice or eyes. They dont know me. How dare they assume i didn't try to not do it?!
I need to go now. Because im not.. whatever. Bye.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY&list=LLXsj1kSBBn5FvyICMZ3WnUw
- Poem
Not, because of the readers, just because.. well, I dont see the point in alot of things anymore.
I think I've found my favourite poem..which is really a shame, because apparently It makes my friend that showed it to me sad and cry. So I sit there and listen to it, and wonder why im smiling like a freak. But hey, I never was/am very good at showing emotion. The poems about bullying. And I think my favourite bit is in the middle. I guess I'll send you the link to the youtube video of it. Just.. yeah whatever. I don't know how old this poem is, or anything really about it, I guess its sorta new.. but whatever.
You know, there's a pit in the bottom of my mind, with the jaws of a monster, like when you're little and you see those images of giant worm like creatures with terrifying mouths. The Pit has a mouth like that, the walls down to it are sloped in a funnel, and for most people, I guess you have wings, you can sit and the rim and look upwards. But, it's like im constantly in the funnel, attempting to climb, but always slipping a little bit further down.
And I can thank the goverment, they're promising and promising to help all school kids, and yet they postponed the tribunal that would help me. So the pit gets closer, and I slip. Im not in it's jaws yet, but there's a small part of me that is scared, of what I might become if I fall, and I don't want to fall. I can't watch the news anymore really because it always seem's to be about schools, or how people are being saved somewhere in the world, and they're getting a great education. Mp's saying things like 'Children are our future, and we need to help them' or some shizz. So why are they not helping me?
My family has to suffer with a annoying, depressed child that says sorry too much because the goverment keeps ignoring us, or shoving us further down the funnel. It's like those stories you get of kid's flushing other children's heads down the toilet. Only, the goverment is the one shoving our head into the toilet.
And I don't understand, why are they not helping? Why do they keep coming up with lies, and forcing us to be hurt just that little bit more? The really nasty thing is, I only really got shunted out of school because I told on my friend's so they could have some help, and then my friends go and flipping lie. HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GET HELP?!
And I know, I know they're not my friends anymore, but It makes me cry looking back, because I talked to the police to get them help, not because I wanted to hurt them or something. I don't understand why they did this, I thought we where friends. We were friends.
I don't know who to talk to anymore. I keep asking 'Im fine' when asked, but I dont want to be questioned into telling people what's wrong. I want to be left alone. But I don't want to be left alone.
But the thing is, Im not the only one. I've met countless people over the internet that feel the same, three of those at least live in England, and one's not told anyone save their friends. I don't know what to do anymore, because this cant be simply down to the Aspergus.
But then. I am a freak, because I laugh at sadness, I spurt out stupid thing and people give me such looks. My face is only really good for smiling, but I don't want to do alot of that.
There's a picture in my room of my step-sister and me as really little children, I dunno, 8-12 I guess. It makes me so sad. Because we're both smiling so happily, and I can't see an ounce of sadness in either of our faces.
People ask me why I prefer the floor to a bed or a seat. I'll tell you why, part of the real reason. Because It's more comfortable to me, when I was little I had problems with my bowels, I needed the look without proir warning all of a sudden. It was eaiser to hold It in if it crept up to me when I was on a hard surface, I dont know why. The floor is more comfortable. It's hard, bed's are supposed to be soft. It's alot easier to simply say 'Because It's more comfortable though' and this is true. But I dont know.
There is an event ingrained in my mind where i wet myself at school on one of the chairs, I was in year two. And all the kids laughed at me, and for the rest of the year, that was the only chair I was allowed to sit on. Everyone else refused. And I know thats a silly thing to have stuck in your mind. But its like when people laugh at me for burping or farting and they dont understand. Or look at me with such disgust in their voice or eyes. They dont know me. How dare they assume i didn't try to not do it?!
I need to go now. Because im not.. whatever. Bye.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY&list=LLXsj1kSBBn5FvyICMZ3WnUw
- Poem
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