Social life, say what now?

S'been a while eh?
Well school and stuff have pulled me away.
Thats right, school!
I tried to update my blog whilst I was away, but the internet there bans it. Probably due to information some people place on here. But whatever.
S'allmost christmas.
Schools great, Im having a heckalot o therapy. Apparently its working, my friends are all awesome. Needless to say.
And I'm just a happy chappy now.
Therapy gets a little annoying though, I'll admit, especially Life skills. But I suppose it must be helping me, im pretty sure my confidence has increased tenfold since being there.
We go out alot. And I mean, alot!
But its awesome! I feel so relaxed at school, im actually embracing my inner geekiness, which lets be frank, is probably a good thing. But I can be me there, and not judged. Sure im called weird, but like all the other kids, we just return it with. 'So are you, that's why were here!'
 Christmas is gonna be awesome! I just know it! Even if I don't get everything I asked for (which is probably a good thing.) it's still gonna be great!
The only bad things about school are the internet, which we're trying to sort out (the kids) and the fact I dont have much time to write or draw anymore, my social life kinda gets in the way now. xD
SOCIAL LIFE! HAHAHA~!
They're gonna give me extra school work, 'cause apparently my English skills are better than most of the kids, and they think i can do really well in there. Looking at this blog, i'd say otherwise. but then, im writing this in a hurry as my thoughts just skitter, so who can really blame me?
 I have a weighted blanket, it's awesome, look it up. :)
I've been told i need to work on empathy.
So that's cool.
Um.. yeah...
I'm going to get a half-brother (Dad + Step-mum). I consider that fairly big news.... Big news...Due around February or somewhere.
Don't get me wrong, dont interpret this reaction as not caring.. it just doesn't affect me yet, im sure I'll absolutley adore them when he arrives. But for now? My mind is just sort of filing away in a folder labeled. 'Read soon.'
...Dragons...
Superheroes.
Omgawsh, Batman. I have a batman shirt! YAY! I never thought i'd be soo geeky, but looking back, I've always loved batman. (NO not in 'that' way!) so i guess im not suprised.
My room at school is awesome. really, really cool. Just a shame I onyl really sleep in it. :P
Well. This post is long. And full of random shizzles.
So I'll say ta-ta! :D If I dont speak to you this week, see you after school term, or before, if im a ninja! :D
-Yours
Dark Overlord Sparklypants
(AkA, moi)

Randome and bad spellingsz

Fff, so much pain inside my head telling me to poooosttt, when I have nooothing to sayyyyy!
 I went to school! Yaaaaya! And it was good, we did losts of things, I met lots of people. I'm still insane, I think I still probably one of the most insane peoples at teh school, but thats cool, being insane is AWSOMEEEE! You can get away with so much random shizzles. XD
 We went to Warrick Castle at the weekend, when I say we, I mean my step-mother, my father, and my brother. It was great. Awsome, amazing.
 I don't have alot to say, but I've done quite a bit.
 Mum bought me dragons, lots of dragons, well, two, but thats still lots, and It's awsome.
She's on a mission to find a batman shirt, or hopefully will be. I am too.
 My brothers reading this, so I'll say hi for him.
HI!
Ach, I have little to say now. xD

-Me
Sorry.

Tears over words

Hey.
Been drawing with this tablet constantly, it's probably one of the best things ever, and I have to say, even though t'is not mine, I've become attached to it. xD
 Apparently my poetry make's people cry, which is odd because it's not supposed to. But then, poetry is supposed to make people feel things, so tears is a good thing I guess.
 My tomato plants are ill, or dying. I may have over-watered them. Hopefully they'll get better.
I had a really bad dizzy spell today, I remember walking into the kitchen, and realising a dizzy spell was coming on, but I don't remember anything else, save the noise and feeling of my legs as they tried to fall from under me. Apparently I'd grabbed the door, so that helped I guess. Mum made me sit down and have a drink, I was fine though, still don't see what the fuss was about, but it made her happy. A spell like that has only happened once before, in the corridor.
 I've drawn a few more dragons. :3
Today's been really hard. I may be depressed today, I was happy yesterday, so It only makes sense.
Emhhh, anyway, I'll be taking my leave now.

Poems and Tablets

Hellew again peoplez!
I bet you didn't expect me to post, what with my sporadic posting times. But anywayyyyy I am posting, because I feel like I almost have to now xD Im sure this will quickly fade away.
 My mum found the graphics/drawing tablet, because apparently my step-father had one, which means at least I don't have to save up for one, it's something I've wanted for a while. I would have posted earlier, but I was kinda drawing, and have only just finished.
 I'm drawing small pictures of dragons atmo, like, little profile pictures, it's quite fun, I don't know why I haven't done it before. The tablets difficult to use, the actual..proper usage is easy, but It's odd to not use a mouse or an actual pencil, and be able to rotate the image like I'm so used to when I draw with pencil on paper.
 I went and looked around Neondragon.com again, because I felt like it, and found two banners/T-shirt designs I've fallen in love with, mainly because they're basically saying things I say, but in.. graphic(?) format. Yeah, so I'll put these pictures at the end of the blog, not sure if I'll do anything else with them.
 Mmm, I should probably mention my twitter account my mother made me create, not that I wasn't willing. (@ScaledFeet).
 It's a bit of an odd day today. Not really sure whats happening, and the day feels looooooooooooong.
Oh, I'd like to share a poem I wrote a while ago with you guys, because I wanted to show someone, but I'm too nervous to actually ask. (I'll share it after the pictures, or something).
 My laptop overheats to often, it doesn't like not being a laptop, it overheats on a flat surface, so I have to have it almost falling off my lap, so the fans are clear. Mm, It's a lot better though. :)
 Okay, I've ran out of things to say (I think yesterday's post was the longest post I've done in a while.)

The Gates that welcome you

The darkness descends,

A pale life ends,

Gasping breaths,

Limp hands falling upon death bed,

Shaking hand upon breast,

Senses detecting the sullen death,

More gasping breaths,

But because of the death,

The flood gates open,

The heavens open,

From their throne,

You are welcomed to their home,

To rest evermore,

Upon the beaches,

Or along the shore,

A new life full of fun,

Set under an eternal sun.

-Me

Mine :3

Sort of rambling

OHMYGOD!
164 VIEWS YESTERDAY?! (Or something along those lines)
Mother soup, whats going on?
Annnywayy.

So I'm back on my laptop yay. Well, it at least means I can type faster, and therefore more, doesn't mean the contents going to be any better.
Smudge is just lounging around on my step-sisters bed. I never really understood that, she has a bed here, but hardly ever uses it. I don't mind, ofc. But it's just...different to have an extra bed in the room with you, and know that no-ones going to climb in or out of it in the mornings, save very few occasions now.
 Nothings happened school wise yet, I mean, we know where I'm going, but no-ones actually said when I can start, so I have a load of random shizzles laying around in my room.
 My story's going well, I started writing it again, it's a steady pace, but I keep getting lost, I find this part I'm writing very hard, but then I guess when you actually start writing a proper story, instead of random scribbles, it's going to get hard.
 There are lots of spiders in my vicinity, or however you spell it. I accidentally screamed out an expletive today whilst lifting up a watering can, I hate spiders. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them! But I will protect them from people that want to cause them harm, just because It's a spider and I dis-like it, doesn't mean it shouldn't live, after all, they're ever so helpful, and are more likely terrified of us, to the point of heart attack.
 I had a Slytherin badge, I lost it on my first outing with it, so that was rubbish. My step-mother told me that the only reason I liked Slytherin was the snake, kinda offended, I've always liked Slytherin, I mean, I seem to  attach myself always to the evil side in stories, or books. For heavens sake, in WoW, I never really enjoyed 'raiding' I hated killing the awesome leader bad-guys. It's just mean, they only want to take over the world, why not let them?
 My family had a huge argument over the weekend, I ended up burning my feet, they're actually fine, but they burnt a long time after that, I really should have put some shoes on.
 I haven't played or talked with any of my friends in a while, I may be going mad. I'm hiding on Skype, I'm online, but Invisible, I just cannot bring myself to log 'online' or even start talking to anyone.
 I've gotten better at drawing cats, bi-pedal creatures, and wolves. My dragons are slightly more fluid now too, and not nearly as blocky and rubbish as they used to be. It makes me laugh, because above my head right now, stuck on the wall is one of my first pictures of a dragon, in my series 'Dragon Friends' I drew for a while. His head is basically a square, whereas now their heads are small, or large, but always curvy, they don't nearly look as un-weildly as this ones. I don't know if thats how you spell it.
 Everyone's going to proms, and putting HUGE amounts of makeup on. I really dont see the appeal, but I don't know, maybe when I'm older, I'll want to do this, but we'll just have to see what time brings, I'll get teased, thats for sure, I'm always being teased, or poked fun at. Not that I don't mind it, it's just an observation.
I've just realised my typings gotten better, I'm not really looking at they keyboard anymore, or the screen that much, as I type right now, I'm looking out the window. It's kinda sad, but hey, I suppose it's one good thing that's come out of this... 'Isolation'..as my mother calls it. Really it's just time for me to think over my life, and figure out what the heck I'm going to do, not that I have yet, but you gotta have some positive thoughts, right?
 Recently I'm having trouble realizing my life is real, I get hit very suddenly by the question in my head of what I'm going to do next, then I get sad because I realize I'm going to die someday. I'm sort of floating away now I think, not really tying myself down, my body seems to be a link at the moment, hopefully that will go, like a phase.
 Well, I'll be going now, I've rambled enough.
 Bye!

Oopsles

Eep, gonna be honest, I'd forgotten about my blog. So ty mum for making a page on FB. Or who-ever it was.
 We have kittens, new ones because Baghira died. So yah. They're cute, and currently hiding behind my drawers in my room. They haven't got names yet, people keep sugesting stupid names.
Life's boring, but at least I'm going to school soon.
Typing on a phone is hard, do I'm going to stop now, sorry for any spelling errors. See you around!
-Me

Just nattering

Life is a complicated mess, we're always halfway between living and dying, from the moment we're born, we are slowly dying. But our brains, just become more alive. It's an odd set of existence.
 I got my phone today, it's pretty nifty. I love it.
 I got new shoes. They're nifty too.
I got a poem stuck in my head. Which is currently being filled with deep poems, dark comments, and strange thoughts, also, a story, which is wondrous.
Demons run when a good man goes to war
Night will fall and drown in sun 
When a good man goes to war
Friendship dies and true love lies
Night will fall and the dark will rise 
When a good man goes to war
Demons run but count the cost 
The battles won but the child is lost
Doctor Who, so fridging deep sometimes. I dont know if that's what you'd call it.
Everythings a mess, I mean to tidy it up, I just dont, which is annoying, but I'll get there.
My hair was cut, apparently it's not normal to be able to feel when your hairs being cut off, and it hurts slightly.
 I just wanted to talk to you, Im bored, and have little else to do.

Robotic dragons, School and Pókemon. Because they're that cool.

Good Evening my friends.
My nightmare must have foretold my future, for that day we discovered I'd be going to my preferred school. ^^  As Long as the Council or whatever doesn't appeal, i'll be in school by the end of September! When mum rang me up and told me, my 'yay' was incredibly quiet, I almost whispered it. I'll admit though, I haven't shown that much joy, but I am hit in waves at night when I'm alone. It'll probably vamp up in anxiety and excitement as we get nearer.
 I've been outside drawing a lot it the sun. I started drawing robotic dragons, it's a very dark theme. For they are listed as 'experiments' and are harvested half the time from the wild, their brains and organic tissue being used where it's useful. Hearts and organ's being used as a 'primary life system' I'm quite pleased with them, the legs are wonderful, and so much fun to draw.
 I watched a Pókemon movie today, with MewTwo in. It's always been one of my favourite Pókemon. Just because he's awsome, and I love the idea he was cloned and doesn't feel he fits in anywhere. His entire life is spent searching for a place for him and his clone buddies to 'belong.' He also has the best proverbs (?).
 One of my robotic dragon's has a sad story behind him. He make's me so proud, my creation's are wonderful, at least in my mind, for no matter how ugly they appear to other people, their insides are wonderous, each has a back story, it may be small, but they still have one.
 I wan't to write a load of creepy dark stuff. I think I might. But I don't know where.

Nightmare's

I had a nightmare last night, I'm still a little bit freaked out by it, because It was one that felt realistic, and I think I've had nightmares about certain things in it before.
 They made me go back to my old School, and I was shoved in a class, don't ask me what class, or who the pupils where, I have no idea, but I had three friends gathered around the same table as me, we where against the wall, but I did have more friends, and the class seemed to be a mix of year 1's to year 10's. The lesson had finished and the teacher asked me to pull the tables back together, I often did that at my old school, she was an old lady, really small and her hair was grey and her eyes where a dull blue. She had glasses and was hunched over slightly. I said No. And her lips pursed, or whatever you call it. She asked again, and I said 'No because I'm fed up of doing stuff for you.' She asked me something else and I refused, I don't really remember why but my friends and some of the small kids got given detention, along with me. We had to walk along a really long corridor, into a hall with a room to one side, each of us had to get in the line into that room, and I't was a really long line. I kept having to reassure people, they where always crying. Inside the room was a huge cave, with a really, really, really, steep drop, so steep it was pitch black, and there where actual clouds covering it. The clouds where tinged with blue and purple. There was a small shack protruding from the side of the cliff, into the abyss, it was held there by a rickety platform, you know the type, when you go the the Pier at the beach and you can see through the wood into the floor below, only there was no floor below this wood, and it was paper thin. We had to walk up there and get out dinner from the rickety shack, luckily no-one fell. We then went into the hallway, and I woke up.
 But I must have spent at least five minutes on that platform, and when I woke up, I was terrified of school 'today' then I realized I didn't have any, and was suddenly hit by a wave of emotion. One of the school propositions was in my dream, the one we don't want, but I don't remember what happened.
 And Yes, I know I suddenly went quiet, I just had nothing really to say, and when I woke up no-one was around to talk to, so Instead I settled for you guys.
 -Me

Lets dance!

Hey!
 I have no idea what Im going to write, so apolobogies now for whatever horrendous things I say.
I've been out visiting my grandfather today, so that was fun, we did lots of random things, and it appeared we just walked along the street, shoving our noses into people's houses and talking to them. I wish my life was like that, It would be so much fun forcing yourself upon some random person on your street, I mean, obviously we knew the people, but they had no idea we where coming. xD
 I saw alot of clay pigs, and an elephant. The pigs where amazing, they looked real, they didn't look like one of those typical, comical fat pigs, they actually looked correct, their legs where right, their faces, and everything. I really couldn't quite get out how much I liked them.
 My brother's decided he wants to build a land rover, lets see how long that lasts. ^^
I'm attempting to master the art of animation, so far I have only made a dragon breath fire, and It kind of flopped a little when it came to removing the fire, I'm not sure why.
 That's all I really have to say. It's a nice day, isnt it?
:)

Nothing in Particular

Hellew. o.0
 I'm listening to music from Evita now. I don't know why, I just randomly started listening to music like that last night, and I'm still listening to it now.
 Not that I haven't slept, I did that, but then woke up and started listening to more music.

 I think maybe I'm going a bit cooku, or whoever you spell it. I'm supposed to be showering right now, or doing something interesting, but I'm sitting here, talking to you, and listening to music. I'd forgotten how much of this film I remember, each song reminds me of a specific moment, I'm just glad 'Don't cry for me, Argentina' hasn't come on yet. I might actually cry on that one.
 My parents felt stressed yesterday, I don't really know why, and I'm not going to ask, If it's important, I'm sure we'll be told. I almost had a meltdown yesterday, I just got very, very angry, and anything any of my friends just hacked me off more. Luckily I went to bed before I could blow my top, listening to instrumentals helped. I think possibly this is why I'm just listening to this sort of music now.
 I don't know if my step-sisters coming round today, but I'll clean my room anyway, because It's a mess, and someone has to do it. ^^
 I found someone of Deviant Art who has a dragon called Cole, It's sort of a robotic looking one, and very space age. We're doing an art trade now, so I have to draw theirs, and they mine. I'm a little bit worried, because I've never drawn something like that yesterday. But I did a little tester, and I think It'll work.
 Omgosh, this is the song with the posh people in! :)
Lord, I really need to get a life, I'm so very typically teenager-y, I'm sure all people my age listen to musical music. Ah, Péron's Latest Fling. It's so much fun to listen to. All this music actually tells a story, I suppose that's maybe why I like musicals, I like music that tells a story, or pictures that tell a story.
 I'm sorry. xD.
The telly doesn't seem to work anymore, which is odd, because it did shortly before mum came home, and I think it did for a while whilst she was there. But now people can't watch their favourite telly, and I cannot watch documentaries.
 I really hate it when Auto-correct tells you to correct English spelling into American. Not that I have anything about America or the Americans, I just hardly see how 'mom' or 'favorite' is correct spelling. :3 But I'm sure Americans think the same of the British.
 Anyway, I'll go, because I cannot type anything else that interesting.
-Me

*happy dance*

It is done! Finally I have finished my picture for the new header thingy. :3 I quite like it, The 'scales' where fun to draw, just a lot of splodges of different colours, all mixed together.
 I think my brothers trying to wind me up, occasionally he goes 'HA-HA' really loudly, and sounds vaugley like a donkey.
 Today my grandad came over for a bit, that was fun. ^^
 Okay, so I only really posted for something to do, as I actually have no idea what to write.
 Im listening, Oh there he is again xD, Im listening to awesome music today, it's depressing, and awesome at the same time, I call it, 'Depawesome' thats actually a terrible name. XD
 Ech, I'll go now.
Good day! ^^

Lets try to be happy!

Let's try something new.
 I'm tired of using this blog to post my feelings, well, my depressing ones, and yet I still do it because it is easier. So I'm going to try and keep this post free of depressing things, from now.

 I've been practicing dragons, a lot. I can draw wings much better now, feet are becoming easier, and I think I've found a style of head I made up myself, to say, I didn't stare at others artwork to get the idea. I got this head by scribbling in my big pad of paper when my Step-Sister was doing homework or something. Or twitter, or one of those social networking sites, It doesn't really matter.
 I'm going to use that head design on the new title I'm working on, because as my small description thing says, I should really draw my own, as I can draw dragons now.
 She got a job, my Step-Sister did. And I'm pleased, because that means she's growing up, and will be able to do what she wants soon, shes clever, and I've never seen her as sitting down in an office, I'm pretty sure something to do with animals will come in somewhere in her life. ^^
 I listen to a lot of music when I'm alone now, and most of it is depressing, but right now I'm only listening to cheery music, because there's no need to listen to sad music when I'm trying to be happy.
 I'm going to be able to go to school soon! I'll say that because we don't know which school, maybe my blog will cheer up when I go, as it used to before.
 I forgot to make my tea, the teabag was in the water for 15 minutes or something, because there was a lot of that floatey dark stuff on the surface.
 At the moment I think my favourite band things are Imagine Dragons, and Bastille. To be honest, 'Imagine Dragons' was obvious, I'm pretty sure I'd like them even if their music was terrible. Bastille seem to make songs based around legends and gods and events in our history, it's awesome.
 We're growing plants, well, I'm growing plants, my brother waters when he remembers, and helps plant them, mum looks after them when we're not here. Grandad gave us six tomato plants, three each, and bought a small plastic tomato house for them all. My brother named his, Nikki, Tom, and Jerry. I prefer Tom, just because I still prefer that name.
 I watched someone draw a realistic wolf yesterday, and helped her with the creation of it, from the pelt colour, to the lighting, to the winking emote. She wanted to make it blink, but I told her to make it wink, and she did. It was also neon pink and had neon blue stripes, but apparently that's not 'realistic' :P

 I've ran out of things to say. But I'm leaving this post feeling slightly better, I should do that more often.
-Me

I really do detest this.

I haven't posted in a while, I would have, but I dare not say the things that trouble me. However, I think that now I should do so, whatever the consequences may turn out to be.
 The tribunal thingy went ahead, they ran out of time, so we have to do more waiting for the actual result. This is fine, this is Dandy, but It pretty much sticks me in a thinking tube.
 Because, people always say they're going to do things, and then they either don't or run out of time. And it annoys me, because yes, they do have lives, and yes, its more important than what they said they where going to do. Doesn't make it any easier to let slide by. No promise has been made that hasn't been kept, but littler things are forgotten, and Im left worrying about them all.
 Like the trophy from Karate. It digs into my heart like a dagger every time I remember it, and Im scared of what will happen. Because he'd said he'd kill me if I didn't bring it back after Christmas  and he was joking, I know. Im still scared though. Apparently we've tried to get in contact with him, but I still don't like looking at it anymore, It's turned from a great reward, into a poison of sorts.
 Like my braces, admittedly, I understand why we haven't done this yet. But the dentisty man Is going to be really angry at me, because it's been falling apart and broken for ages, I bet it's not even doing it's job anymore!
 Like when people say they're going to take me out regularly, I miss my club, and I miss people I liked being with. But I can't go now, because we're don't have the time, and no form of transportation. Because Mum's working, so she can't really take me anymore.
 But she seems to be working all the time now. And I get why, I just remember all the time's she said we could go out on walks together, to get me out the house, and It would be good for both of us.
 We ran out of time with the book thing too, we where supposed to do that ages ago, and I can't help thinking that maybe if we'd have done it sooner, we wouldn't be in this mess now. Only now it's not finished, and I have to write more into it, and my heads run out of tales.
 But look who's talking, Im the no.1 Lazy ass of Lazy Ville here. I'm so flipping lazy, I don't even do anything most days. WHY DONT I DO ANYTHING? What's all this shizzle about 'lacking motivation' Im just lazy. And I hate it. Im trying to change, I put my alarm on, I try to go to bed at 'okay' time's. Doesn't stop me from being lazy. I would go for a walk on my own, but I get scared. I'd do the story thing on my own, but I need help. I know I can't go to the dentists alone, that's quite a way away. But as the rest of the world goes twirling and swirling around me, I can't help but hate myself.
 I don't even try to hide my feelings anymore, there's no point saying 'I'm fine' really. People always know Im not. So Instead, opt for something else, like 'Well enough' Or 'I'm okay, considering.' That seems to feed people and their want to know about my welfare, so I leave it at that. I do still say 'Im fine' I just try to vary it occasionally.
 I hate myself, because I sit here, complaining, and never actually do anything about it. So just ignore me. Because I can't see any future anymore. Not that Im not going to try. Thats one thing, one thing in this world that I really, really want.
 But yes, I am jealous of my brother. Because he's 'normal' and has loads of friends. He's clever, and funny, and bright, and amazing. He's all of the things I always wanted to be at school, whenever we go to someones house, he's an immediate hit, doesn't matter about their age, gender, or whatever. People just love him. And Im left sitting there trying to not get angry at something he can't help.

The longest day (and the hardest)

Today has possibly been the longest day of my life in a long time.
 I'm used to being sad, and lonely, and it's kind of become part of my life. But today was different. When I woke up this morning, I was alone. Which was a shock, because my step-sister had been in our room the night before, she was only in the other room, but it immediately made me sad. Because I remembered what would be waiting for me when she left.
 And then there's this whole thing about my grandmother dying. I don't want her to die, today has been a big mess of trying not to cry, and for the most part, I think its worked.
 My step-father (the greatest step-father in the world) seemed stressed, and none of us (me, my brother and my 'step'sister) knew why. I wasn't sure if we should be giving him space or not, and I was so confused.
 I'm lost at the moment, all day I wanted someone to hug and cry into, but I wasn't going to shove that on either of my siblings, and I was to afraid to approach anyone. Mum wasn't there either, which I can understand, it just didn't help. I suppose it wouldn't. I'm worried I'm making this seem all about me, it's not, I can understand why people are so sad, and angry, I am involved in allot of these conversations now. I cant understand why they're not around, and are doing other things. I realized I couldn't talk to my father and step-mother about this. Not through any fault of theirs, I just. Couldn't. I literally could not find any words to tell them what was going on, and I was worried they'ed look down on my mum and step-dad. I know they wouldn't, and I love them incredibly, but that's how I feel right now, and it'll probably get me into loads of trouble writing this down, but people always did tell me to write down my feelings.
 My brother did me such a great thing, he saw when I was upset, and when I was trying to hide it, and he just came and hugged me. Which was possibly the greatest thing I could have ever gotten today.
 I'm lost at the moment, I don't know if I should be sad, or angry, or annoyed. And I'm actually scared. Because the future scares me, I don't know what's going to happen now, nothing ever seems to happen but pain and hurt now. Friends are falling out with me, people are always leaving, and Its cold. I get really cold, for no reason, when It's actually warm, and I know this.
I told someone about all my problems, and they where surprised I had that many, because I always seem 'happy' and 'cheerful' I find this hard to believe. It's so much easier to be happy online, when people can't see your face, and have no idea who you actually are. But it made me laugh, and for a brief moment, that was good.
 I will say this; Allot of what I say is edited, and thought out in advance, because I know who reads this, and I try to be careful about upsetting them, but things like this, I just have to spill, and allow myself to do so.
I apologize for the content in this post, but i'll be putting it up anyways, because its a way to tell people how my mind feels, without speaking.
 Dustwing, and the Other girl.

This title is the best.

I don't really have much to say, but felt like posting, so this may end up terrible. But hey! Most of my posts are! XD
 I've kinda ran out of words to say, I only really tend to post when I have something on my mind, and currently it's empty. (My mind)
 The plants I'm growing are coming along well. My brothers helping too apparently. He does help plant them, and when he remember's he waters what he can reach. I love him lots, I'm so glad he's going to school. Because he can learn, and be popular. As long has he get taught and looked after, that's what's important.
 My laptop had it's insides ripped out, and had things replaced, it doesn't seem to overheat or burn me anymore, and with the new huge battery inside it, it's on a slight tilt, and I think the fan I use to cool it may have to retire. That's a good thing!
 There's a month to go now, before we learn if the councils going to allow me to go to school or not. I'm just scared because I don't want it to be put back on hold, it can ruin my life, and we don't want that.
  But now I really have run out of words to say.
 The creek has dried up.

Stupid lady.

I've been called an idiot. =/
Now usually, this would not bother me, but it was coming from a person who thinks 'Collums' are the same as 'legs' and that calling ears antenna is the right thing to do. What's more, she does nothing but annoy the rest of the group, and whenever I flip out, its me that gets reprimanded.
 She was going on about something called 'wolfs speak' and I do not know how many of you have heard of it, but to save you the trouble of looking it up, i shall link a handy link, to show you what im ranting about.
I just dont understand, I got yelled at by a friend to stop arguing, because he'd had enough, and fair enough, that was true. So to save me retaliating, and furthering the argument, or spat. I blocked her and left the roleplay. I feel this was the right way to go about things, and I made it clear she wasnt blocked forever, i just wanted to give us both time to calm down.
BUT OH NO! They had to come and start moaning at me through Skype! All, 'oh you fool, why are you so annoying!' and 'your making a scene.' dont they know I am allready aware?! And so have left to stop making such a fuss.?!
 But anyway, in other news, I got far to over excited about my Fantastic four movie, I got the present I was hoping for at my birthday, and life's about as good as it can get. For me in this situation. :)

Bad grammar, bad spelling.

Hellew.
 Today it is my birthday, Im not sure what that means.
I guess it means Im older, (and closer to my dreams?)

But seriously, if Im older, It mean's I quite possibly am closer to them. But we better get this book out soon, or at least try, because why we faff around forgetting all the time, im getting olderrr. I dont want to be an old lady with a stick by the time it's out. But the problem now is, im convinced it's not done enough, but im not really writing for it that often. So that's meh.
 Everything's Meh. Life is one big 'meh' pile. Or In the immortal words of Forest Gump, no, not the box of chocolates quote, the other thing. '---- happens.' So we must move on, get over it! Prfff,ffffffffffffffffffffff, lol, as if.
 But anyway, im going to poofle now, because I have nothing more to say.
Oh, yes, im actually excited today xD

-BananaPhone

If only this was me.

Life is not always simple, and it often gets hard,
But if you play your cards right,
You might just stand a chance,
Pick yourself up when you fall,
Accept that not everything is right,
Love and care for others,
Tuck your friends under the covers,
Protect your friends,
They'll help you,
And soon, you'll be flying into the blue.

The continuation of Peace.

Reading my blog, I am struck by how sad I often am, this is not to say I am always like this, for I am not, sometimes it feels as if the world is carrying me around on its shoulders, laughing and dancing into the sunset.

 But I only really have the urge to type up my feelings when I'm really sad, when there's something I want to say that I cannot fit words to, or when I just want to type. So don't get me wrong, I'm well aware my blog seems bottomless and depressive, but life is not like that.

Right now, I feel fine, there's nothing bothering me, the sun is shining through my window ( I've opened my curtains  I know right? Crazy. ) The birds are singing outside, Smudge is contemplating running out there I believe  I am not sad right now, my mind only lightly flickers over feelings of despair, and I brush them aside like tumbleweed.

 Poems are filling my head like water fills a bucket, I'm not too sure where they are coming from, yet I shall welcome them, be as depressive as they like, I enjoy feeling emotions whilst writing, for me, if you cry whilst writing a poem, or feel something for it. Its a good poem, and no matter how rubbish it actually is in real life, nothing can really take away that feeling of joy.

 Imagine this, my head is a cup, and underneath the cup, there is a tray, lets call it paper. There is a pipe and a tap leading from the cup into the tray. Every time I write a story, some of the feelings in my 'cup' move through the 'pipe/tap' (pen) into the tray, and there, they are written down for the rest of my life, and I cannot take the feeling away. This means, that everything I write, well nearly everything I guess, is an on-going commentary into my mind, my thoughts and feelings as you will, tied down to characters, and plot-lines  and words, but my feeling's none the-less. 

 The weird poem-y-thing I wrote as a post itself came out there and then, I had no thought past what rhymed and went along with my feelings, I just wrote it. It's terrible, but I hold a certain amount of pride for it, im quite proud of that.

 My birthday's in six days, I'm scared. Not because I'm aging or anything, im just afraid I wont get anything again this year, at least from one part of my family. Not that I'll be too worried If I don't, it's just a feeling I can't get rid of, no matter how stupid it may seem. I am a little bit scared I'll admit, I don't want to be older, and still not in school, I think the best birthday present I could get would to be able to go back to school, but the Tribunal's not even soon, so I know the chances about that.

 

The solider walked, never looking back, never stopping. Running from the horror's left behind.

Running from the pain and the blood and the hatred.

Running from hurt, and loss, and sadness.

And the solider forgot, because he must.

As we all must forget, and forgive.

But forgetting such atrocities is not easy.

And forgiving so much pain hurts.

But they will walk with you every step of the way.

Guiding and helping.

Helping you become you once more.

And shed the skin of a Caterpillar,

And metamorphise into a butterfly.

How long?

How long has it been now? A month, a year?
How long will it be before I disappear?
How many suns will die this year?
The question is, not how, what or why.
Cannot be answered in a lullaby.
Can't be answered in your sleep.
It isn't a question with an end.
It doesn't follow the latest trend.
The question is, my dear friends,
where do you think this story ends?

Not blaming

Before I go to bed. I wanted to write this. Its.. it's sort of, an apology, and a declaration at the same time.
 I hate how much time I've been spending in my room, I really do. I don't know wether to come or go, where to be, what to do. So I've been sticking with what feel's right, especially as I dont know how to act eaither, it's safer if im alone, people don't read my body expressions. But, I want to be with you my family, and I really hate this, I sound so pathetic, and i'm not.
 Maybe I am, I don't know. I don't know alot anymore, and Im tired of this, Im tired of sounding like a fool, and a pathetic little girl who whines all the time, because that's all I really am, if you get down to it. That's what i see anyhow.
 But I also like spending time alone, because, well, its comfortable. But I get so very lonely, and I hate it. I dont. I dont. Urhg.
 I dont even do much anymore in my room, games are becoming boring, I just sit there! Im a lazy ass, who cant decide between solitude or family.
I dont blame you if you are fed up with me.

Avoiding

Apparently Loneliness is something people can avoid. And I agree, we can go into another room full of people. But that does not stop the loneliness, especially if its actually withing yourself that you feel lonely  and not because you spend too much time alone in a room.
 And I don't know, maybe it can be avoided, maybe people can find a way past the barriers and the blockades, but Im not sure if anyone can find a way past mine. I've had so much time to build them up, It takes so long to knock them down. But words still hurt.
 Every word manages to get past the barrier, whole people do not, but every mean comment, nasty remark makes its way round, and like a parasite, sucks the life force out of me.
 But whatever I guess, people don't really care much about that. Ah what do I know?
Biscuits.

The Pit

Its been a while.. But I really saw no point in posting.
 Not, because of the readers, just because.. well, I dont see the point in alot of things anymore.
I think I've found my favourite poem..which is really a shame, because apparently It makes my friend that showed it to me sad and cry. So I sit there and listen to it, and wonder why im smiling like a freak. But hey, I  never was/am very good at showing emotion. The poems about bullying. And I think my favourite bit is in the middle. I guess I'll send you the link to the youtube video of it. Just.. yeah whatever. I don't know how old this poem is, or anything really about it, I guess its sorta new.. but whatever.

 You know, there's a pit in the bottom of my mind, with the jaws of a monster, like when you're little and you see those images of giant worm like creatures with terrifying mouths. The Pit has a mouth like that, the walls down to it are sloped in a funnel, and for most people, I guess you have wings, you can sit and the rim and look upwards. But, it's like im constantly in the funnel, attempting to climb, but always slipping a little bit further down.
 And I can thank the goverment, they're promising and promising to help all school kids, and yet they postponed the tribunal that would help me. So the pit gets closer, and I slip. Im not in it's jaws yet, but there's a small part of me that is scared, of what I might become if I fall, and I don't want to fall. I can't watch the news anymore really because it always seem's to be about schools, or how people are being saved somewhere in the world, and they're getting a great education. Mp's saying things like 'Children are our future, and we need to help them' or some shizz. So why are they not helping me?
 My family has to suffer with a annoying, depressed child that says sorry too much because the goverment keeps ignoring us, or shoving us further down the funnel. It's like those stories you get of kid's flushing other children's heads down the toilet. Only, the goverment is the one shoving our head into the toilet.
 And I don't understand, why are they not helping? Why do they keep coming up with lies, and forcing us to be hurt just that little bit more? The really nasty thing is, I only really got shunted out of school because I told on my friend's so they could have some help, and then my friends go and flipping lie. HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GET HELP?!
 And I know, I know they're not my friends anymore, but It makes me cry looking back, because I talked to the police to get them help, not because I wanted to hurt them or something. I don't understand why they did this, I thought we where friends. We were friends.
 I don't know who to talk to anymore. I keep asking 'Im fine' when asked, but I dont want to be questioned into telling people what's wrong. I want to be left alone. But I don't want to be left alone.
 But the thing is, Im not the only one. I've met countless people over the internet that feel the same, three of those at least live in England, and one's not told anyone save their friends. I don't know what to do anymore, because this cant be simply down to the Aspergus.
 But then. I am a freak, because I laugh at sadness, I spurt out stupid thing and people give me such looks. My face is only really good for smiling, but I don't want to do alot of that.
 There's a picture in my room of my step-sister and me as really little children, I dunno, 8-12 I guess. It makes me so sad. Because we're both smiling so happily, and I can't see an ounce of sadness in either of our faces.
 People ask me why I prefer the floor to a bed or a seat. I'll tell you why, part of the real reason. Because It's more comfortable to me, when I was little I had problems with my bowels, I needed the look without proir warning all of a sudden. It was eaiser to hold It in if it crept up to me when I was on a hard surface, I dont know why. The floor is more comfortable. It's hard, bed's are supposed to be soft. It's alot easier to simply say 'Because It's more comfortable though' and this is true. But I dont know.
 There is an event ingrained in my mind where i wet myself at school on one of the chairs, I was in year two. And all the kids laughed at me, and for the rest of the year, that was the only chair I was allowed to sit on. Everyone else refused. And I know thats a silly thing to have stuck in your mind. But its like when people laugh at me for burping or farting and they dont understand. Or look at me with such disgust in their voice or eyes. They dont know me.  How dare they assume i didn't try to not do it?!

 I need to go now. Because im not.. whatever. Bye.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY&list=LLXsj1kSBBn5FvyICMZ3WnUw
- Poem

Cold

It's cold today, that was one of the first thing's I noticed. My hands and feet instinctively wrapped themselves up in my duvet, avoiding the cold. Yesterday the first thing i noticed was that I was perfectly happy where i was thank you very much, I didn't want to wake up or see a school, or any of the things I was supposed to do. But I did as I was told.
 So yes, I know I didn't write yesterday, but I'm not at all worried, no-one looked at my blog yesterday. Not that I mind much, It matters little in the end. As I once tricked my brother into believing for a little, the internet doesn't exist if your not on it. Because no-one can contact you, therefore, to you, it is not there.
 But anyway, I just thought i'd talk to you. Because im writing and my head keeps running away from the part im writing. It's a bit like torture, i have to do it, but im not enjoying in 100%.
 I have little to say, so i shall just shrink back.

Candle light

Hello world.
 Do you think, if we looked hard enough into space, we'd see anything interesting? Do you think we'd find life? I find It hard to believe we wouldn't. But what science has to remember, is when the astronomers look to the stars, and try to find life on other planets, they are looking back in time. The life on the planet may have not evolved in the time we are looking at it in. When man reaches out into the stars, and tries to take more planets, because its inventably going to happen, we are going to have to tread carefully.
 We cannot just go prancing around the universe, calling ourselves Superior to other races. We can't just assume dominance over everything else like we do on earth.
 Humans must evolve, we must adapt, and most importantly, we must learn and follow rules. Because if we do not, we may find ourselves in the dirt, being treated like slaves, or extinct. I am tired of the way so many people treat other beings. Im not one to talk, i agree im a little harsh and insensitive sometimes, okay, quite allot of the time. But there are thousands of people out their worse than me, beating and hurting others, doing nasty things and getting away with it because they're 'better' than everyone else.
 But underneath our skin, we are exactly the same as each other, or any animal on this planet. We need to realize this on mass, and act on it, instead of laughing at others, and hurting.
 But we are not perfect, and we are all different, so I shall keep my thoughts to myself.
        Im visiting three schools this week I believe, not quite sure what to think, but i'll have a look around, I must anyway.

Far away, there is a world, torn asunder by war and rage, the people pray for help, and a light in the darkness, but their prayers go unanswered. No-one is there to help them, no-one is there to guide or be the light in the darkness.
 They shall not be alone forever, sooner or later someone has to come and save them, they always do.  But whilst the people suffer, it feels never-ending torture. But have faith, for whilst this storm of anger and hate rages, there is a speck of hope, a candle flickering in the darkness, the flame slowly, hungrily growing larger, until it is large enough to ward off the darkness, and the people will live in safety and happiness once more.

iPodness

Today, I'm not so sure whats going on. I'm trying to be helpful, I'm trying to be good and nice, but I can only hope it's good. I've spen much of the day in my room, because my brain keeps tormenting me for what end I know not. I'm writing at the moment, a small story I made up long ago that I write occasionally. The book I was writin is almost complete, the ending is being written, but something like a sentence at a time. I feel I must tell you that I'm on my iPod writing this, because I see no point in starting my computer only to write a blog. What's more I don't want to get caught into anything I don't want to be in. Like a conversation with someone, id rather sit in peace, or lay. Writing, offering help every so often.
 I'm not sure what else I have to write, the holidays are nearly over, and I don't wan them to end. Like every child I guess.

The worlds a mess

Today lots is going to happen. I can feel it.
 Its Misty outside, it's really rather beautiful.
Time and time again. I log onto blogger, stare at the screen for a couple of minutes, and end up ranting about my feelings for AGES. The missing feeling hasn't gone away, but its not as prominent as it was yesterday. Its awfully cold today. And I don't know what to do.
 The world is funny isnt it? So many rules and regulations, not enough time to do anything. People running, screaming, falling in love, falling out. Making friends. Its hard to look at this world and not see a jumble of string, tangled up in other's, straining, fraying, making a mess. I don't know how many of the people on this earth realize how silly it is. But it's annoying, funny, and odd. Our life makes no sense, we cannot explain how life got on this planet, nor how the universe came to exist. There are theories. Of course there are, but the theories make no sense. Take the Big Bang for example. How can nothing explode? Or god. Who made god? And who made the thing that made the thing that made god. Our life is a mess. Scientists keep saying no life can exist on a planet without water. But what proof is there of that? Who said life couldn't have evolved in such a way that life found other forms of sustenance?
 I think i will just let the Scientists trust in their belief's, and religious people to theirs. Because it's your choice, and no-one has the right to take that away from you.

 I may end up posting again today, but I try to limit it to once a day. Otherwise you end up getting a stream of randomness. :)

I took that picture. :)

Somethings Missing

Today we did allot. We baked, did some chores, moved rooms around, panicked because the internet wasn't working. But it all worked out in the end. Because, it was fun. Currently, my brain is being tormented with the same verse of One Direction being sung over, and over again. Hhahaha....

 I love my step sister, I really do. But sometimes it does my head in. But then, probably do her head in sometimes. Well, allot if I'm honest with myself.

 So how is everyone. Wait, don't answer that. THERE ARE ALLOT OF SPELLING MISTAKES IN THIS. I shall go back over it if I remember correctly.

 I feel odd, I have done for a couple of days. Its like, there's something missing, I'm supposed to be doing something and I'm not. I feel bored, and not bored. I'm angry, but i don't know what at. I'm confused, like, all the time. But I am confused about what I'm confused about. I think I'm lost. Not, not In real life, but inside my head, something is not where it is supposed to be. Which is odd, because I know schools missing, and it has been for years. I can say that now, its 2013. Oh, happy new year. So how can school be missing if that was taken away ages ago. Iv'e sadly adjusted to that hole in my life, and that's no-one's direct fault. It's just happened. I have all my things, Iv'e still got all my teddies, all my toys, all my games. I'm allowed to play with everything. Nothing I own is missing. Nothing's changed, Iv'e still a room, still got a fantastic family. I can't fathom this hole inside me. Sometimes its there, sometimes not. But its been niggling at the back of my mind for ages.

 My stories are leaving slowly, not the one's I write, but the one's I keep in my head, the ones i share and talk of to no-one. I mention that I have such stories, but I never tell the context, and I don't think I ever will.

 Oh yes, that letter I sent to the government, I got a reply. Well, I sent an Email sorry. It didn't say anything we didn't already know, but it was nice to get a reply. For a short while, I felt happy, because someone in the government obviously cared.

.....

 I think I may need help. But im worried if I ever get it, I wont ever use it properly.

.....

Bye.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what the point of it all is. I mean, life is hard, its rough, and you never really get to see or do all of the things you wanted. For what? You live for years for nothing at the end. Those with faith believe that you'd either go to heaven, hell, the thing in between or somewhere else. But for those without faith, its just a void. A hole in your mind that can be filled with so many bad, nasty, horrible thoughts that your left whimpering in the corner afterwards. If you don't get it right the first time, you don't get the rewards.
 I would love to turn around and say I believe in a religion, i'd love to have that much faith in something. But the truth is, I don't believe in the gods. They may well exist, but I don't, and never have believed that only one faith's god exist, and that everyone else is wrong.
 When you get down to it. I do have faith. I have faith in dragons, and there is just as much evidence that they exist as there is the 'missing link' or any god.

People say animals do not have feelings, that they cannot feel emotion or that they are not 'conscious' like humans. How can they say that? Just because they do not speak a language we understand, does not make them stupid. Just because they see no need to kill each other ruthlessly does not make them savage, wild creatures. The truth of the matter is that just like us, they feel pain, sorrow, remorse, happiness, anger, fear, love, loneliness, guilt and so many other feelings. Its obvious. Animals mourn the death of their offspring, you could even say they revenge them sometimes.
 And if they do not choose to brutally murder their own kind, does that make them worse than us? I don't think so. If anything, it makes us the beasts. They care for one another, often more than us.

I know, this is all silly, and that i'm just a child and don't understand the adult world. But if this adult world is what it seem's to be, then i want no part in it.