The longest day (and the hardest)

Today has possibly been the longest day of my life in a long time.
 I'm used to being sad, and lonely, and it's kind of become part of my life. But today was different. When I woke up this morning, I was alone. Which was a shock, because my step-sister had been in our room the night before, she was only in the other room, but it immediately made me sad. Because I remembered what would be waiting for me when she left.
 And then there's this whole thing about my grandmother dying. I don't want her to die, today has been a big mess of trying not to cry, and for the most part, I think its worked.
 My step-father (the greatest step-father in the world) seemed stressed, and none of us (me, my brother and my 'step'sister) knew why. I wasn't sure if we should be giving him space or not, and I was so confused.
 I'm lost at the moment, all day I wanted someone to hug and cry into, but I wasn't going to shove that on either of my siblings, and I was to afraid to approach anyone. Mum wasn't there either, which I can understand, it just didn't help. I suppose it wouldn't. I'm worried I'm making this seem all about me, it's not, I can understand why people are so sad, and angry, I am involved in allot of these conversations now. I cant understand why they're not around, and are doing other things. I realized I couldn't talk to my father and step-mother about this. Not through any fault of theirs, I just. Couldn't. I literally could not find any words to tell them what was going on, and I was worried they'ed look down on my mum and step-dad. I know they wouldn't, and I love them incredibly, but that's how I feel right now, and it'll probably get me into loads of trouble writing this down, but people always did tell me to write down my feelings.
 My brother did me such a great thing, he saw when I was upset, and when I was trying to hide it, and he just came and hugged me. Which was possibly the greatest thing I could have ever gotten today.
 I'm lost at the moment, I don't know if I should be sad, or angry, or annoyed. And I'm actually scared. Because the future scares me, I don't know what's going to happen now, nothing ever seems to happen but pain and hurt now. Friends are falling out with me, people are always leaving, and Its cold. I get really cold, for no reason, when It's actually warm, and I know this.
I told someone about all my problems, and they where surprised I had that many, because I always seem 'happy' and 'cheerful' I find this hard to believe. It's so much easier to be happy online, when people can't see your face, and have no idea who you actually are. But it made me laugh, and for a brief moment, that was good.
 I will say this; Allot of what I say is edited, and thought out in advance, because I know who reads this, and I try to be careful about upsetting them, but things like this, I just have to spill, and allow myself to do so.
I apologize for the content in this post, but i'll be putting it up anyways, because its a way to tell people how my mind feels, without speaking.
 Dustwing, and the Other girl.

This title is the best.

I don't really have much to say, but felt like posting, so this may end up terrible. But hey! Most of my posts are! XD
 I've kinda ran out of words to say, I only really tend to post when I have something on my mind, and currently it's empty. (My mind)
 The plants I'm growing are coming along well. My brothers helping too apparently. He does help plant them, and when he remember's he waters what he can reach. I love him lots, I'm so glad he's going to school. Because he can learn, and be popular. As long has he get taught and looked after, that's what's important.
 My laptop had it's insides ripped out, and had things replaced, it doesn't seem to overheat or burn me anymore, and with the new huge battery inside it, it's on a slight tilt, and I think the fan I use to cool it may have to retire. That's a good thing!
 There's a month to go now, before we learn if the councils going to allow me to go to school or not. I'm just scared because I don't want it to be put back on hold, it can ruin my life, and we don't want that.
  But now I really have run out of words to say.
 The creek has dried up.

Stupid lady.

I've been called an idiot. =/
Now usually, this would not bother me, but it was coming from a person who thinks 'Collums' are the same as 'legs' and that calling ears antenna is the right thing to do. What's more, she does nothing but annoy the rest of the group, and whenever I flip out, its me that gets reprimanded.
 She was going on about something called 'wolfs speak' and I do not know how many of you have heard of it, but to save you the trouble of looking it up, i shall link a handy link, to show you what im ranting about.
I just dont understand, I got yelled at by a friend to stop arguing, because he'd had enough, and fair enough, that was true. So to save me retaliating, and furthering the argument, or spat. I blocked her and left the roleplay. I feel this was the right way to go about things, and I made it clear she wasnt blocked forever, i just wanted to give us both time to calm down.
BUT OH NO! They had to come and start moaning at me through Skype! All, 'oh you fool, why are you so annoying!' and 'your making a scene.' dont they know I am allready aware?! And so have left to stop making such a fuss.?!
 But anyway, in other news, I got far to over excited about my Fantastic four movie, I got the present I was hoping for at my birthday, and life's about as good as it can get. For me in this situation. :)

Bad grammar, bad spelling.

Hellew.
 Today it is my birthday, Im not sure what that means.
I guess it means Im older, (and closer to my dreams?)

But seriously, if Im older, It mean's I quite possibly am closer to them. But we better get this book out soon, or at least try, because why we faff around forgetting all the time, im getting olderrr. I dont want to be an old lady with a stick by the time it's out. But the problem now is, im convinced it's not done enough, but im not really writing for it that often. So that's meh.
 Everything's Meh. Life is one big 'meh' pile. Or In the immortal words of Forest Gump, no, not the box of chocolates quote, the other thing. '---- happens.' So we must move on, get over it! Prfff,ffffffffffffffffffffff, lol, as if.
 But anyway, im going to poofle now, because I have nothing more to say.
Oh, yes, im actually excited today xD

-BananaPhone

If only this was me.

Life is not always simple, and it often gets hard,
But if you play your cards right,
You might just stand a chance,
Pick yourself up when you fall,
Accept that not everything is right,
Love and care for others,
Tuck your friends under the covers,
Protect your friends,
They'll help you,
And soon, you'll be flying into the blue.

The continuation of Peace.

Reading my blog, I am struck by how sad I often am, this is not to say I am always like this, for I am not, sometimes it feels as if the world is carrying me around on its shoulders, laughing and dancing into the sunset.

 But I only really have the urge to type up my feelings when I'm really sad, when there's something I want to say that I cannot fit words to, or when I just want to type. So don't get me wrong, I'm well aware my blog seems bottomless and depressive, but life is not like that.

Right now, I feel fine, there's nothing bothering me, the sun is shining through my window ( I've opened my curtains  I know right? Crazy. ) The birds are singing outside, Smudge is contemplating running out there I believe  I am not sad right now, my mind only lightly flickers over feelings of despair, and I brush them aside like tumbleweed.

 Poems are filling my head like water fills a bucket, I'm not too sure where they are coming from, yet I shall welcome them, be as depressive as they like, I enjoy feeling emotions whilst writing, for me, if you cry whilst writing a poem, or feel something for it. Its a good poem, and no matter how rubbish it actually is in real life, nothing can really take away that feeling of joy.

 Imagine this, my head is a cup, and underneath the cup, there is a tray, lets call it paper. There is a pipe and a tap leading from the cup into the tray. Every time I write a story, some of the feelings in my 'cup' move through the 'pipe/tap' (pen) into the tray, and there, they are written down for the rest of my life, and I cannot take the feeling away. This means, that everything I write, well nearly everything I guess, is an on-going commentary into my mind, my thoughts and feelings as you will, tied down to characters, and plot-lines  and words, but my feeling's none the-less. 

 The weird poem-y-thing I wrote as a post itself came out there and then, I had no thought past what rhymed and went along with my feelings, I just wrote it. It's terrible, but I hold a certain amount of pride for it, im quite proud of that.

 My birthday's in six days, I'm scared. Not because I'm aging or anything, im just afraid I wont get anything again this year, at least from one part of my family. Not that I'll be too worried If I don't, it's just a feeling I can't get rid of, no matter how stupid it may seem. I am a little bit scared I'll admit, I don't want to be older, and still not in school, I think the best birthday present I could get would to be able to go back to school, but the Tribunal's not even soon, so I know the chances about that.

 

The solider walked, never looking back, never stopping. Running from the horror's left behind.

Running from the pain and the blood and the hatred.

Running from hurt, and loss, and sadness.

And the solider forgot, because he must.

As we all must forget, and forgive.

But forgetting such atrocities is not easy.

And forgiving so much pain hurts.

But they will walk with you every step of the way.

Guiding and helping.

Helping you become you once more.

And shed the skin of a Caterpillar,

And metamorphise into a butterfly.

How long?

How long has it been now? A month, a year?
How long will it be before I disappear?
How many suns will die this year?
The question is, not how, what or why.
Cannot be answered in a lullaby.
Can't be answered in your sleep.
It isn't a question with an end.
It doesn't follow the latest trend.
The question is, my dear friends,
where do you think this story ends?