I was thinking, I'm not going to go deleting this place because it holds history. But I don't know how comfotable I am with writing here anymore, knowing that I have family members here. (Hiya) But regardless hello void, have you been well?
Stuffs going down in my life now, good stuff. Bad stuff. Mostly good.
So I left that really awesome school, finished education there. I got an A in my A-Level Art, which was awesome! Really miss the school though, my room, my friends, the staff memebers. I moaned about it and even then I was self-aware I'd miss it. But I do. Everyone was awesome, and sometimes I just miss being able to walk to the staff room and sit about with them for a couple of minutes whilst they work or something. They'd just let me hang around, it was a really good feeling.
I started a two year game art course. Got a D* D* on the first year, that was pretty awesome. But now I have pressure to do just as well on this year.
Speaking of, I got an offer for University literally yesterday. I haven't told anyone but my mother and step-dad because they were in the room. I haven't really expressed how I feel properly out-loud. I could tell because mum seemed frustrated by my lack of emotion. It's not that im not excited, believe me, this is really awesome. I just.. I don't want to seem arrogant or proud, and if I went around going 'ooo I got an offer for University' then I feel like that's what I'd look like. (I haven't really processed what it means yet either) I also don't want my brother to feel like he has to go there to beat me or something. But it seems like he wants to do an apprenticeship. Which I personally believe would work better for him and he'd enjoy more. He's not much of a sit still academic type.
Im concerned that my art still isn't good enough for University or the real-world jobs I'd like to hold. I get that college and university is where you learn more and improve, but I've seen the work people above me put out and.. not to be arrogant. But some of it really isn't great. That being said, designing characters and creatures doesn't require phenominal work, just good conveyance of feelings, aethetics and all that jazz. So I'm going to keep working as hard as I possibly can. I really love succeeding, I know that this will be my downfall. But I like doing well, so I want to keep doing well.
I've got a bunch of awesome friends. They're all artsy and really nice people, in fact. The classroom seems to have become just a big group of friends on this second year. It's a really nice feeling. It's better than what I had at my boarding school, and its SO much better than the other schools I went to before. You saw how those were. I told you. Mum always said that it'd get better when i went to college. Once again, she was right. I love all my friends so goshdarn much. I get worried sometimes that I stick out or they're just pretending. But then out of the blue they say things like 'you're awesome, I really like hanging around you' and it's just like.. woah. The teachers even tease and mess around with us a bit. I don't think i've been happier in an academic and social environment before. The boarding school was great, but the classroom wasn't friends like it is here. And so many people had really bad problems that you never really relaxed fully.
I miss my art teacher and therapists and a few select TA's from that school the most.
Pirate, the hamster died a few months after I got her. I don't know why. It broke my goshdarn heart. I screamed, so loudly. I couldn't accept it. I don't know why she died and I didn't even know it was going to happen. But she did. She was infinintley cute and soft even in death. It simply wasn't fair.
We adpoted a German Shepherd from a friend who needed him taking care of. He's awesome, a cute boy who appears spooky but is infact as soft as mud. Toby seems to have become a favourite hugging dog of mine. He's a grumpy old fart but he's also as soft as mud and seems to literally melt off the sofa. He's endeering. Scooters noticably older. Which saddens me. Smudge, is still alive! I feel bad for her and like visiting. But she still attacks me when I pet her, so she's not really that much different.
I moved bedroom, and my parents gave me another room in the house to fill my junk with. Which is awesome and I hope they know how greatful I am. I really like being in these rooms, it feels really nice. I have to shut the door to the living room a lot though so I don't annoy/distract anyone and the Tv doesn't distract me. It's shut right now.
Speaking of rooms. Said awesome college friends would like/be open to sharing an apartment or house with me for University. Which.. is something I never thought would happen. Then I can get a menial job and earn money. Perhaps I can even pay back my parents in some meaningful way for everything they've done. I've had stuff planned in my head for years. Naturally I can't discuss it here but it is there. Trust me.
My life is really picking up now, the bad days are getting less frequent though they're still there. Most of my days are just so busy and filled with entertainment and fun that they outweigh the bad. Had some bad days recently actually. Im going to have to make a hard decision soon that I know is going to carve into my emotions and mental state for a good long while. I don't know how I'm going to do it and I don't even know if Im going to have the strength. But I've got to try. It's not fair to lie to people. I have my college friends now. Who even if I can't talk about it too, will be there for me. I'm actually really scared though. So wish me luck :).
Im so busy with college and travel and learning to drive. Im really slow at the learning and I know it's costing so much money, but I am trying my hardest to learn to drive too. I just.. keep making really simple mistakes. It's infuriating and I can taste the frustration with my family too even if they don't speak it. I can't even offer to pay for the lessons because I don't have a job. I've been looking, but I mostly need to drive to get one. I'm also panicking that I won't have time to do well enough with college work if I get one.
Long gone are the days of the small, distressed and bullied child. She'll never completley go. But it's been so long now and this blog is really the only concrete recording I have of my feelings during this time. Wild am I right?
So that's what's going on in my life. I feel I owe this blog that much. It's helped me through and I really am still growing with dragons.
This is a study I did last night that I painted for an hour. I intend on doing more tonight.
Goodbye my friends, I shall see you in two years! (Or whenever I decide to write)
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