I haven't posted in a while, I would have, but I dare not say the things that trouble me. However, I think that now I should do so, whatever the consequences may turn out to be.
The tribunal thingy went ahead, they ran out of time, so we have to do more waiting for the actual result. This is fine, this is Dandy, but It pretty much sticks me in a thinking tube.
Because, people always say they're going to do things, and then they either don't or run out of time. And it annoys me, because yes, they do have lives, and yes, its more important than what they said they where going to do. Doesn't make it any easier to let slide by. No promise has been made that hasn't been kept, but littler things are forgotten, and Im left worrying about them all.
Like the trophy from Karate. It digs into my heart like a dagger every time I remember it, and Im scared of what will happen. Because he'd said he'd kill me if I didn't bring it back after Christmas and he was joking, I know. Im still scared though. Apparently we've tried to get in contact with him, but I still don't like looking at it anymore, It's turned from a great reward, into a poison of sorts.
Like my braces, admittedly, I understand why we haven't done this yet. But the dentisty man Is going to be really angry at me, because it's been falling apart and broken for ages, I bet it's not even doing it's job anymore!
Like when people say they're going to take me out regularly, I miss my club, and I miss people I liked being with. But I can't go now, because we're don't have the time, and no form of transportation. Because Mum's working, so she can't really take me anymore.
But she seems to be working all the time now. And I get why, I just remember all the time's she said we could go out on walks together, to get me out the house, and It would be good for both of us.
We ran out of time with the book thing too, we where supposed to do that ages ago, and I can't help thinking that maybe if we'd have done it sooner, we wouldn't be in this mess now. Only now it's not finished, and I have to write more into it, and my heads run out of tales.
But look who's talking, Im the no.1 Lazy ass of Lazy Ville here. I'm so flipping lazy, I don't even do anything most days. WHY DONT I DO ANYTHING? What's all this shizzle about 'lacking motivation' Im just lazy. And I hate it. Im trying to change, I put my alarm on, I try to go to bed at 'okay' time's. Doesn't stop me from being lazy. I would go for a walk on my own, but I get scared. I'd do the story thing on my own, but I need help. I know I can't go to the dentists alone, that's quite a way away. But as the rest of the world goes twirling and swirling around me, I can't help but hate myself.
I don't even try to hide my feelings anymore, there's no point saying 'I'm fine' really. People always know Im not. So Instead, opt for something else, like 'Well enough' Or 'I'm okay, considering.' That seems to feed people and their want to know about my welfare, so I leave it at that. I do still say 'Im fine' I just try to vary it occasionally.
I hate myself, because I sit here, complaining, and never actually do anything about it. So just ignore me. Because I can't see any future anymore. Not that Im not going to try. Thats one thing, one thing in this world that I really, really want.
But yes, I am jealous of my brother. Because he's 'normal' and has loads of friends. He's clever, and funny, and bright, and amazing. He's all of the things I always wanted to be at school, whenever we go to someones house, he's an immediate hit, doesn't matter about their age, gender, or whatever. People just love him. And Im left sitting there trying to not get angry at something he can't help.
No comments:
Post a Comment